Sunday, 4 December 2011

My Misery Is Complete - The Adventures of 'Daggy Man'

Like most folks, I scrub up quite well. Pass me in the street and yes, even though I say so myself, you would think 'Oh, he must be a Corporate Executive'. On the other hand however I do a good impression of a bum, a hobo, a derro, a dag - and far from saying the above you'd find yourself handing me a dollar to go feed myself or buy a cheap bottle of wine. Truth is, there is no in between  - I'm either highly polished or 'Daggy Man'.

Scrubbed up - this is me...

Without the polish this is me...

Actually the second picture is not really me - It's a bum of a character called 'Onslow' from a British TV series. But when my wife starts calling me 'Onslow' around the house, I know the slide has to stop...too often recently I've been Onslow.

Now what has this got to do with my Grandmother breaking wind I hear you ask? Or at least you should be, because that's where we're heading just shortly...first however...

You all know we have a Cat and four new kittens at home, you all know that my left arm is a useless, pain filled, Velcro covered mess. It's hard shaving with one hand, you can't pull facial skin tightly to get a good clean shave - and electric razors only serve to make my facial hair longer - they pull at the hair without actually cutting it - less frequent shaving these days - and so the 'Onslow Syndrome' sets in...

Anyway, the Cat and the Dog had their first real spat the other day - Cat went for Dog, Dog went for Cat and I got between them both - I wear my spectacles with a string around my neck - the Dog got a paw in one side of the string, the Cat a claw in the other and hey presto - they snapped the leg and frame of my specs and the lenses flew out.

They were irreparable, or so I thought, enter my daughter Brenna from stage left. 
"We've got white sticky tape somewhere. I can wind it round the frame and lenses. Then use a marker pen to colour it black".
I was right - they were irreparable.
And so I sit here today typing this with Joe90 specs on, only they look like a pair made by a kid in Kindergarten. Imagine the image below but made up of coloured-in, taped up specs, and you'll get the idea.

And so I find myself being unable to wear them in public without risking an outbreak of laughter as contagious as swine flu. My misery was complete - or so I thought.

I had to visit the pharmacy for more pills - Spectacles firmly in pocket I strode through the shopping precinct and to all intents and purposes looked like someone who could see where they were going - then it happened. The shame of it still haunts me as I write this. 
I involuntarily broke wind. 
Now this is something I never, ever, ever, ever do. I'm a Gentleman, I don't break wind in public places or in the company of others. I froze. Hesitantly, I took one more step forward and another ripper let loose. It was synchronized farting - timed perfectly to coincide with each step.  What could I do? 
That's when I remembered my dear departed Grandmother. She lived with us and had a dignity and elegance about her which not even breaking wind could dent. Whenever she rose from a chair the loudest, longest fart ever would ensue, the canary would be upturned in its cage, the Dog would have that 'Wasn't me' look on its face, and everyone would look up wondering when it would end. But she carried on with dignity and grace as though nothing had happened. I resolved to do likewise.

And so sounding like someone with squeaky shoes I strode up to the Pharmacy counter to pick up my pills. The girl who works there is a pretty young thing who knows me by name.
"Hi Rory."
"Hi there Elspeth" I said - a little more loudly than usual just to distract her from any other sounds in the vicinity.
Pointing to a fuzzy piece of paper on the desk she said, "All ready, you just have to sign here."
I'd forgotten about the 'signing'. Doing it with one hand was hard enough, doing it with no specs was impossible. I had no choice - I had to pull my specs from my pocket and quickly throw them on with my head tilted downward in the hope she couldn't see. 
Something was wrong. 
At first I thought maybe it was the sudden change from fuzziness to clarity which was playing havoc with my eyes. And so I looked up to focus on something else to 'correct' my vision. It was then I realised that with two rolls of sticky tape wrapped around my specs I was staring at Elspeth with a bus ticket, a peppermint and a little alien on a key ring all firmly stuck to my spectacles. I quickly signed, grabbed my pills and squeaked my way out the door.

My misery was complete.

I now respond to the name 'Onslow'.

PS - I see the anaesthetist on Tuesday for working out how to knock me out come surgery time - Thanks to my wife who did what I couldn't do -  She hassled the hospital into coming up with a date for my surgery - Jan 30th. It's not ideal but at least it is now a firm date!

Thanks to all who have been writing - will catch up with you today! A real heartfelt thanks as it's been a difficult period.



  1. * shakes head with laughter*
    That was one memorable trip to the shops Rory.. haha..
    It's not fair is it..honestly.. like you haven't dealt with enough of late.. break wind in public.. when you didn't expect to is... funny as hecklol

    looking good in the photo anyway.. yep.. that's the one.. 00 Rory
    Glad you've got a date for your surgery.. great stuff!!.. enough pain already methinks?

  2. Rory! It's so good to see you're posting! I'm relieved to hear you've got a surgery date. Jan. 30th. Hallefreakinlujah.

    What I wanna know is how did we go from being those who avert eyes at old people suffering thru indignities to committing the indignities ourselves overnight? Ah well, humility is good for the soul, they say...

  3. It is always good to leave an impression behind, and you certainly did that Rory.

  4. There should be a special place for classics like this where we can all go when we need a good gut shaking bellow of laughter. Oh Rory...looks like I was worried about you with good reason. Honestly, that was one of those days where if you don't laugh you're going to cry.
    I'm so glad you've finally got a surgery date. Good job wife.

  5. You certainly know how to arrive in style. Welcome to the perils of advancing years! But surely a musical chap like you knows how to whistle convincingly?

    BTW, I take it Rab C Nesbitt hasn't appeared on Australian TV? You might like to look him up on Youtube.

  6. Rory! Wonderful to read your voice again. I was preparing a post of awful Christmas album covers (and thus thinking of you) when I noticed that your listing in the "blogs I follow" thingy had updated. (I don't encourage visitors to look there, as my blog list itself is way behind, and I'm fairly certain that if a particular friend or two had noticed their absence, I would be quite dead by now.

    I must mention that one of your problems would have been easily solved if you lived here in Vermont. Here we use duct tape to repair things. Everything. If pressed, I will swear to God that I really did see a backwoods summer house made of the stuff. For the sake of decorum and a more unobtrusive look for employment, my frames are held in some semblance of order by black electrican's tape. Shocking, I know.

    As I've begun settling into senior citizen hood, I've discovered a tendency to express myself in a flatulophilic manner. Buried in my collection of 78rpm records is a double sideded disc known as "The Crepeitation Contest" by the "Two Black Crows". They were a blackface comedy act which, while inherently racist, did not have racist jokes or material. I just checked to see if it was around the net anywhere, and found this version, starring "Lord Windesmear"...


  7. My Grandma would fart while standing and blame it on her "knees cracking".

    From 'scrubbed up' to Onslow, that's quite the feat. Which reminds me... Wayne and Waynetta!

    Very glad to hear you and your stylish new glasses have a surgery date. Hang in there, Rory mate. X

  8. Well at least your gramma had a bit of dignity. My father, would yell as loud as possible: Did you see that mouse go by on a motorcycle. And when you said no, he would promptly let loose another to show you.

    So glad to see your little face pop up on my recently updated list. You always make me laugh and on Mondays who doesn't need a good laugh.

    Enjoy the specs. You and many others will remember them with a smile. How soon you will have to face Miss Elspeth yet again. You most likely made her day with a good giggle.


  9. 'Synchronized farting'.

    Christ on a bike, that was HILARIOUS.

  10. Your poise astounds me, Rory! The sheer embarrassment would've caused me to do more than simply pass wind! ;) Glad to hear you are finally scheduled in for surgery. May the upcoming year bring you the health you so deserve. Hang in there, matey!

  11. I just happened to find your blog through a friend and have to say that this was very funny - I'm a dude so farting is always funny to me :)

  12. Aaaargh - I lost the internet for a whole week! Never again will I advocate switching off anyone's life support when all hope appears to be gone. Life was so miserable - I even had to....this is so hard to say....I even had to go outside. I had no idea we had neighbours - seems a whole neighbourhood has sprung up around us in the last five years.

    Apologies for the brief nature of this comment - but the headiness of being back on the internet is like drawing on your first cigarette after a year of abstinence...I feel quite dizzy...