Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Do You Come Here Often?

There comes a time in everyone's life (they think) - when they have to make the first move. You know? You have to open your mouth and let words fall out which indicate 'beyond all reasonable doubt' that you're 'interested' in that person. The 'chat up' line I guess. I always had a problem with this - maybe it was the fear of rejection? My feeble attempts to get to know someone better would confuse and mix 'polite conversation' with "Jeez I'd love to get your knickers off" - In short, I was banal and confusing (banality always gave you a way of saving face if rejected - you could argue that you were never chatting someone up in the first place). So the teenage years of Rory D Grant were spent uttering stupidities like "Would you like to dance? I know you'll be a good dancer because you have nice shoes." or "What a beautiful blouse - My Mum has curtains like that."

The most audacious one I ever encountered was when standing at a bar in London ordering a round of drinks for myself and some friends. A Telly Savalas look alike was standing next to me when suddenly he piped up - "That's a beautiful accent you have."
"Thank you - I'm Scottish."
"Do you have any Greek in you?" He asked.
I smiled "No"
"Would you like some?" He smiled back.
Now you have to admit - that was pretty uninhibited even though it got him nowhere.

I recall being in a bar again in London and without warning, as I ordered drinks, a very attractive lady next to me asked "Are you Glaswegian?"
"Yes" I beamed "Can you tell by my accent?"
"No" she said, "Your teeth and the scar on your face" (I was still waiting on the Police Force paying my dental bill from someone I arrested knocking my front two teeth out.)
Now hers was a pretty bad chat up line and more like the kind of thing I was likely to say. But even so I was appalled and realised just how bad my own must be.

Before and in-between marriages (I've been married three times) I had ample opportunity to refine my 'chat up lines' in the hope that I'd catch the perfect lady with the perfect line - but writing about it here this evening has made me ask myself the question 'What were the first words I ever spoke to the ladies I married?'
First wife - "Is this your banana?"
Second Wife - "You idiot, you almost ran me over!"
Third and yes dear, FINAL Wife - "I think you may suffer from Hypnogogia"

All those years of fussing and fretting over the chat up line that would lead to Nirvana and "I think you may suffer from Hypnogogia" was all I needed to learn...

I'm curious - what were the first words you ever said to your partner? Please do let me know in the comments section below!



  1. "Not here, it's too cold to drop my drawers in December outside"
    I love the Greek line - that's a classic!

  2. "For Gods sake shut the door, you're letting all the flies in creation in. Mom will kill me." Romantic yes? 37 years later and he still doesn't know enough to shut the bloody door.

  3. LOL Craig - I won't press any further on that one :)

    Mybabyjohn - Awww that's romantic lol. I'm a good door shutter but I'm awful at putting lights out behind me :)

  4. No talent for flirting here. The first thing I said to my husband was, "Are you hungover?"

  5. Actually, I couldn't remember our exact words, just what our conversation was about. Luckily I met Chuck on a message board, and I just went back and searched for the very first things we said to each other, and this is it, verbatim:

    Me: "I have bruises from having my ankles kicked out from under me. And I have some major astroturf burns on my knees and elbows. ...although this one time...."

    Chuck: "Yes,yes do tell the whole story...

    'I got rug burns on my elbows,
    she's gottem on her knees.
    Yeah I'm goin' steady
    with Iron Ore Betty.
    She's goin' steady with me'

    John Prine-- Iron Ore Betty"

    I'd love to just let you wonder why I had bruises and astroturf burns, because it's far less titillating than you might expect. I was playing indoor soccer with some violent girls at the time. Chuck, decided to flirt with me and feed me a song lyric. Little did I know what that would get me into...

    Anyway, I love Glaswegian accents. They're the only type of Scottish accent that I CAN recognize. I love the way you would say the word 'video'. Say it out loud, Rory.

    See what I mean? Awesome.

  6. I rather drunkenly approached my husband with, "Well, you look like you have half a brain. Where you been all night?"

    Who would not be charmed by that?!


  7. I'm useless at talking at the best of times, never mind chat-up lines. Those are some classic lines, Rory. Now THAT is style.

  8. "How do I turn this thing on?" (I met my husband at work and he was the computer guy). Little did I know that would turn out to be a loaded question.

  9. Hubby and I first met online, and I simply can't recall what are first words were, but I do remember what I said to him straight up when we met at the Orlando airport; "You look like shit refried over!" Hubby was suffering from a bad bout of flu. How's that for breaking the ice?

  10. It went something like this:


    Married 42 years last June. Simple is better.