Wednesday, 29 June 2011

The Day My Dignity Died...

There are many things I left behind in Scotland when I arrived in Australia - I had no idea my dignity would be one of them. I'd been warned that every critter in Australia tries to kill you if you get too close. Quite frankly I would have rather died than endured the humiliation of a few weeks ago.

I've managed to get quite close to some of the more dangerous critters here - and emerged unscathed every time, redback spiders (Black Widow to my American readers) abound in our garden, I've been a few feet from huge snakes - but the general rule really did appear to apply - 'Don't bother them and they won't bother you'. All good as I say, until recently.

Quite what my step daughters and wife thought of the howling Scotsman tripping over himself as he rushed up the hallway in terror, trousers and boxer shorts wrapped around his ankles, screaming 'Help!' I don't know. I'm sure it's a sight which will have been burned into their memories forever - but not for the reasons you're probably thinking - Still, my dignity died that day. I'd just settled on the toilet when 'something' leaped up from the bowl and grabbed my ass. 'Snake' was my first thought, 'Spider' was my second as they are pretty damned big round here, 'I'm dying' was my third thought.  Whatever had a hold of my ass wasn't letting go. I've been told that although all these critters in Australia can kill you, with the exception of sharks obviously, you've got about an hour or two to get the antidote - and even as I ran screaming up the hall I was mentally counting the clock down. My wife and step daughters collapsed in a heap laughing their heads off when I turned to reveal this horror with it's suction cups glued to my ass;

It seems they come up through the water system fairly regularly here. Scared the living bloody daylights out of me and as I say - killed my dignity, stone dead.

And I haven't even mentioned the Bats yet.

In Britain we have tiny little Bats called Pipistrelle Bats - no larger than an extended finger most times (See below)

British Bat

In Australia, right outside our house, on the tree overhanging the driveway and the porch, we have Fruit Bats - they are HUGE Bats. 

Australian Fruit Bat

We have a white car - at least that's what colour it is when we go to sleep at night. When we wake in the morning it looks like this...(This is not a picture of our car lest other Bats recognize it and stalk us even more)...

A 'Batmobile'

So when we drive off taking the kids to school first thing in the morning - I sit there in our batshitmobile thinking about frogs sticking to my ass and I realise why there are no 'egos' in Australia. No matter where you are, or what you're doing - there's a critter out there watching you, just waiting to put you in your place.




  1. Oh Rory...what a picture you paint. And what a picture those bats painted on that white car. Yikes!! Never mind, you don't need an ego to survive, in fact, women will find you even more loveable without one. If that doesn't frighten you half to death, nothing will.

  2. Hhahahha! There was a horror movie I saw as a kid, which still to this day has me thinking something is going to bite my butt while I'm on the toilet. A frog. *giggle* Brilliant stuff.

  3. Jesus Christ, that was hilarious. (oh, and nice imagery, btw)

    You're the second person I know of that the tree frog glued to the ass thing has happened to (and no it's not me)...small world :D

  4. Jesus! I didn't see it and I'll have the image of you running down the hall screaming with your ass out and a frog hanging off it in my head for the rest of my life!

  5. I LOVE stories like these
    and have one which I have blogged one about a single bollock and Sheffield's crucible theatre but you will have to troll my blog to find that one...

    good story rory....

  6. I'll post more when I stop laughing. Nothing but love, Rory, nothing but love. XD

  7. ROTFLMAO! OMG! My sides are hurting from laughing so much! I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. :D YOU... Are a riot, Rory! The pic of the pterodactyl left me in stitches! Ever considered being a stand-up comedian!?

  8. Oh my, toad on the ass, not something most people would talk about.

    As much as I do not like bats flying around, we are losing ours. Something is killing them off and it is spurring on the bug population. I have put up bat houses to encourage their presence, but so far, the "for rent" sign is still up. I am tired of scratching, so I would like to import some of yours, poop and all.

  9. Good grief! That picture of the aussie fruit bat has TWO Loch Ness monsters in the background!!!!

  10. CarrieBoo stole my comment!

    You're funny, aren't you? :-) I like that. I've added you to my blogroll so that I can find you in the future... How did I get here, anyway?!

    Greetings from Minneapolis,


  11. I was snacking when I read your post (snacking is almost an occupation for me) and I inhaled the penguin biscuit (remember those?) involuntarily when I pictured you running bottomless down the hall. I also like "batshitmobile"! Please don't make me choke on my food again...
    Good post.

  12. OMG,too funny! I think I would have done the same thing too! I can't wait to show this post to my hubby!

  13. Thank you everyone - once more I'm apologising for the delay in responding but I had a hellish night with my hand again.

    Starting Over - there's so many species in trouble right now - it's scary to think of them all.

    Pearl - welcome aboard the Good Ship 'Madness' which is my blog - good to see you and thank you!

    Ok - I have a new blog story burning in my brain this morning - I better go write it.

    Thanks everyone! Will be popping over to your respective blogs later today :)


  14. Ah Craig! Penguin Biscuits! I LOVED them! They have something almost like them here - 'Tim Tams' but no Penguins :( You know what I really miss? McVitties Chocolate Digestives - really hard to find over here.


  15. Just signed up as your newest follower. Don't want to risk missing a single one of your posts. Love that sense of humor!